On March 20th in the middle of the night I had emergency surgery. After 3 weeks of misdiagnoses, pain, and 3 different doctors I was finally diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy. My baby was growing on my tube instead of my womb and we were devastated. At nine weeks pregnant I was wheeled into surgery and came out feeling empty, broken, and oh so angry at God. In a moment of brief clarity we named our baby Samuel because we had prayed so desperately for him, had been answered, and then had to give him back to the Lord. The weeks following Samuel's loss were filled with confusion, pain, betrayal, and so much anger. I couldn't pray, read my Bible, or even think of Samuel without wanting to scream at God.
Slowly I began to heal both physically and emotionally and we were surprised with a positive pregnancy test. I felt whole again. Right before Mother's day I had a sonogram that showed the baby growing in my uterus where she should be and my blood work looked perfect. I began to dream of nursery designs and wander baby sections of stores wondering who this little one would be. We told the kids, friends, and family as we were determined to enjoy this entire pregnancy as the blessing it was and I am so glad we did. For the first time in all my pregnancies I truly felt blessed by every annoying pregnancy symptom. I grew closer to God again and started to let go of my anger.
I went in for a routine sonogram at nine weeks. The tech couldn't find a heartbeat and the baby measured 2 weeks behind. We were told that my dates must be off and to try not to worry. They scheduled another sonogram for the next week and we were so scared. For the next 5 days all I could pray was, "God please make this baby grow. I can't loose another. I am not strong enough." Finally 2 days before my repeat scan I started actually praying instead of just begging. In the wee hours of one morning I finally felt peace mixed with sadness. I let go of my desires and started trusting God and truly wanting His plan for me. I chose to be content with whatever happened and prayed for the strength to get through it. Of course I still hoped that my baby was alive and growing and that this was as far as my test of faith was going but I was determined to trust God and hang onto the peace He had given me. That Monday there was no change on the sonogram and still no heartbeat to be found.
Ten days ago I had a D&C and was once again empty and broken and sad but this time there was no anger only the peace of God that passes understanding (Philippians 4:7). I feel loved by God and held. Do I understand why God took my babies to be with Him in heaven? No, but I do feel so blessed by the three children He is still loaning me to raise here on Earth. Until I lost my babies I didn't really understand how blessed I really was.
We named this baby Rena which means peaceful. I miss Samuel and Rena so much. I have two empty places in my heart that I doubt will ever be filled but I thank God that He blessed me with the short time I had with them. I thank God for giving me Rena to bring me back to Him. I was not strong enough to loose another baby but God proved to me that with His strength I am able to do whatever He asks (Philippians 4:13).
Saturday, June 17, 2017
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Being Still
Have you ever tried to keep a 2 year old still? I mean truly still? It's nigh impossible, at least with my little girl. She likes to be moving. She likes to go.
It's amazing to me how much my theology has grown since becoming a father. Some of the verses have really started to stick out to me in a different way than ever they had before. The one that came to mind this evening was Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God..." How hard is it for me to remain still? I, like my girl, have a hard being still. I like going. I like doing. I like moving. Not as much as my brother-in-law or other brothers in Christ that I have met, but I still would rather be active than not. But God tells us to be still. He is our heavenly Father. He knows that until we sit still for a second we won't take time to think things through. He knows us so much better than I will ever know my daughter. Taking time to actually sit and think is a past time that has been largely lost in the West. In general, people don't just sit. We're on our phones, we're on our computers (ironic I know), we're reading a book, we're chatting with friends. I'm not saying that any of those things is inherently wrong, just that they are distractions from introspection. They distract us from Him.
Thinking back through my life, the times that I've felt closest to my Father are the times I've spent off by myself. At Lakeside Bible Camp during TCL and during the summer I was on staff I had opportunities to get away. No computers, no people, just me in His creation. I might be biased but I think He did an especially good job on Whidbey Island. I so enjoyed the times I spent on the bench by the lake or walking through the woods. I found it much easier to focus, much easier to ignore, for a moment, the pressures of the day. I was so grateful to my boss on my first internship for encouraging time away as well. Midland, Texas has a different kind of beauty, but I really enjoyed walking around the Triple L Ranch before I truly started my internship. I was encouraged to take some time walking, reading and praying. God is so good.
I might be alone in this, but I kind of doubt it from conversations I've had. God tells us to "be still" because He knows us. He wants our attention as a father wants attention from his kids. He longs for us to talk to Him. He wants to know our troubles, our successes, our days. He is the perfect Father. May I seek Him out and rest in His arms.
1 John 3:1 "Behold what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God."
It's amazing to me how much my theology has grown since becoming a father. Some of the verses have really started to stick out to me in a different way than ever they had before. The one that came to mind this evening was Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God..." How hard is it for me to remain still? I, like my girl, have a hard being still. I like going. I like doing. I like moving. Not as much as my brother-in-law or other brothers in Christ that I have met, but I still would rather be active than not. But God tells us to be still. He is our heavenly Father. He knows that until we sit still for a second we won't take time to think things through. He knows us so much better than I will ever know my daughter. Taking time to actually sit and think is a past time that has been largely lost in the West. In general, people don't just sit. We're on our phones, we're on our computers (ironic I know), we're reading a book, we're chatting with friends. I'm not saying that any of those things is inherently wrong, just that they are distractions from introspection. They distract us from Him.
Thinking back through my life, the times that I've felt closest to my Father are the times I've spent off by myself. At Lakeside Bible Camp during TCL and during the summer I was on staff I had opportunities to get away. No computers, no people, just me in His creation. I might be biased but I think He did an especially good job on Whidbey Island. I so enjoyed the times I spent on the bench by the lake or walking through the woods. I found it much easier to focus, much easier to ignore, for a moment, the pressures of the day. I was so grateful to my boss on my first internship for encouraging time away as well. Midland, Texas has a different kind of beauty, but I really enjoyed walking around the Triple L Ranch before I truly started my internship. I was encouraged to take some time walking, reading and praying. God is so good.
I might be alone in this, but I kind of doubt it from conversations I've had. God tells us to "be still" because He knows us. He wants our attention as a father wants attention from his kids. He longs for us to talk to Him. He wants to know our troubles, our successes, our days. He is the perfect Father. May I seek Him out and rest in His arms.
1 John 3:1 "Behold what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God."
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