Thankfulness

Today was Samuel's due date. None of my babies have ever come on their due date but October 22nd was the date that came up back in February when I excitedly put my dates in the online due date calculator after my first positive test. Since then I have had all the range of emotions; disbelief, joy, nervousness, terror, hope, anguish, dullness, anger, and sadness. Today though I felt a new one for the first time. Genuine thankfulness not just for my three beautiful blessings I get to raise and love on Earth but for my Samuel and my Rena that I knew and carried for such a small amount of time but have changed my life for the better. My kids sing a scripture song at Bible club almost every week that has haunted me since February.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, "In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."  

For months now I have been bitter and unable to give thanks for my babies in heaven. They brought so much pain and disappointment and financial hardship to my family that though I have always loved them and missed them terribly I have never before been thankful for their very existence without immediately feeling the pain of their loss.  But today I am thankful. Because they were conceived their very souls exist and even though they were born into heaven instead of my arms I will meet them in person someday because of the grace and love of my Jesus.  Yes, their loss still hurts and always will to some degree but to be able to think on them warmly without immediate pain is a huge step in the right direction.

We spent today holding our little family close and unplugging and soaking in the memories.