Thankfulness

Today was Samuel's due date. None of my babies have ever come on their due date but October 22nd was the date that came up back in February when I excitedly put my dates in the online due date calculator after my first positive test. Since then I have had all the range of emotions; disbelief, joy, nervousness, terror, hope, anguish, dullness, anger, and sadness. Today though I felt a new one for the first time. Genuine thankfulness not just for my three beautiful blessings I get to raise and love on Earth but for my Samuel and my Rena that I knew and carried for such a small amount of time but have changed my life for the better. My kids sing a scripture song at Bible club almost every week that has haunted me since February.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, "In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."  

For months now I have been bitter and unable to give thanks for my babies in heaven. They brought so much pain and disappointment and financial hardship to my family that though I have always loved them and missed them terribly I have never before been thankful for their very existence without immediately feeling the pain of their loss.  But today I am thankful. Because they were conceived their very souls exist and even though they were born into heaven instead of my arms I will meet them in person someday because of the grace and love of my Jesus.  Yes, their loss still hurts and always will to some degree but to be able to think on them warmly without immediate pain is a huge step in the right direction.

We spent today holding our little family close and unplugging and soaking in the memories.

Scabs and 2 a.m. ponders.

Grief is like a big nasty scab. Imagine with me that you have fallen and skinned your knees. After the initial cut and the bleeding and pain lets up our bodies make a scab to cover and protect while the skin heals and scars. This allows us to go on with life with perhaps a bit of a limp but pretty much back to normal. It has been more than 2 months since we lost Rena and honestly life has been going for the most part back to usual with less tear filled nights and more genuine delight in watching my kids grow and mature. Not that I have forgotten Samuel and Rena but the sting of their loss has lessened and we have in a way "moved on with life".  I have gotten good at avoiding thinking about babies in general and been happily watching my "big girl" turn two and move out of her crib and start wanting to potty train.

Until tonight. Tonight I unexpectedly had that scab ripped off and ugly cried for my babies in public, with an audience of women I only slightly know. Those of you who know me well know I do not emote well in public but this grief is so heavy it was more than I could hold in for a more appropriate time.  Bless their hearts, the women surrounded me with an understanding and love that I did not expect. They tried their best to comfort me and prayed for me.  I so value the blessing of Christian women in my life right now. This pain has forced me out of my comfort zone and I have been comforted by many women of different walks of life with the common pain of losing a child.  

As I sit here tonight unable to sleep I have been thinking through all the different times I have "lost it" and had acquaintances try and comfort me in the past 5 months. I have received many "Don't worry you will get pregnant again." and even a few "At least it was an early loss." and "You already have 3 kids anyway, right?". All of these statements have come from well meaning women trying make me feel better.  From their perspective those statements should help but to a mother who has lost a child its like adding another nail to the coffin. By far the best comfort I have received has been from women who have also lost a child. They usually just say "I'm so sorry for your loss." or "Let me pray with you." They do not try and make it better. They know that only God can ease my pain.   
  

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27 

 

I am reminded again and again that Jesus gives the only lasting peace.  If instead of trying to distract myself with life and trying to forget and move on I would reach out to my Savior and ask to be daily filled with His peace how much easier would healing go? If instead of trying to hide from the pain and building that scab up so I don't feel, what if I kept it soft by reaching out to people who have been blessed with a new life growing in their womb? It is so much easier to avoid my friends who are pregnant or have a new born but what am I missing out on by me avoiding the reminder of my loss?  I am missing out on the fellowship of dear friends and the chance to minister to them as I have been blessed.

My little songbirds

The last few weeks both Thad and Adeline have decided to start singing aloud. For those of you who know Thad you know that this a big deal for my little man who hates attention on him! So proud of all three of my little songbirds.

Pain and Peace

On March 20th in the middle of the night I had emergency surgery. After 3 weeks of misdiagnoses, pain, and 3 different doctors I was finally diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy. My baby was growing on my tube instead of my womb and we were devastated. At nine weeks pregnant I was wheeled into surgery and came out feeling empty, broken, and oh so angry at God. In a moment of brief clarity we named our baby Samuel because we had prayed so desperately for him, had been answered, and then had to give him back to the Lord.  The weeks following Samuel's loss were filled with confusion, pain, betrayal, and so much anger. I couldn't pray, read my Bible, or even think of Samuel without wanting to scream at God.
     
Slowly I began to heal both physically and emotionally and we were surprised with a positive pregnancy test. I felt whole again. Right before Mother's day I had a sonogram that showed the baby growing in my uterus where she should be and my blood work looked perfect. I began to dream of nursery designs and wander baby sections of stores wondering who this little one would be. We told the kids, friends, and family as we were determined to enjoy this entire pregnancy as the blessing it was and I am so glad we did. For the first time in all my pregnancies I truly felt blessed by every annoying pregnancy symptom.  I grew closer to God again and started to let go of my anger.

 I went in for a routine sonogram at nine weeks.  The tech couldn't find a heartbeat and the baby measured 2 weeks behind.  We were told that my dates must be off and to try not to worry.  They scheduled another sonogram for the next week and we were so scared. For the next 5 days all I could pray was, "God please make this baby grow.  I can't loose another. I am not strong enough."  Finally 2 days before my repeat scan I started actually praying instead of just begging.  In the wee hours of one morning I finally felt peace mixed with sadness. I let go of my desires and started trusting God and truly wanting His plan for me.  I chose to be content with whatever happened and prayed for the strength to get through it. Of course I still hoped that my baby was alive and growing and that this was as far as my test of faith was going but I was determined to trust God and hang onto the peace He had given me.  That Monday there was no change on the sonogram and still no heartbeat to be found. 

Ten days ago I had a D&C and was once again empty and broken and sad but this time there was no anger only the peace of God that passes understanding (Philippians 4:7). I feel loved by God and held. Do I understand why God took my babies to be with Him in heaven? No, but I do feel so blessed by the three children He is still loaning me to raise here on Earth. Until I lost my babies I didn't really understand how blessed I really was.

We named this baby Rena which means peaceful. I miss Samuel and Rena so much. I have two empty places in my heart that I doubt will ever be filled but I thank God that He blessed me with the short time I had with them.  I thank God for giving me Rena to bring me back to Him.  I was not strong enough to loose another baby but God proved to me that with His strength I am able to do whatever He asks (Philippians 4:13).