An Open Hand

Back in 2017 I thought I had figured out how to hold my babies with an open hand, trusting God with their future. Apparently that didn't last. Eliana is our rainbow baby, we lost two babies in the year before she was born. I had promised myself that I would hold her with an open hand- knowing that each child God gives is a loan. I don't know how long I will get the honor of raising any of my children. Our lives are numbered by God as are theirs. Right before Eliana's 1st birthday she came down with a virus/bacterial infection. No one else in the family was sick and I wrote the fussiness and poor nursing off as teething pain. By the next couple of days she had begun running fever and it was a struggle to get any fluid down her and any that I got down promptly was vomited back up. We were in an out of dr's offices and had 2 ER visits trying to find some answers.

ER visit number one.

 During all of this I was frantically praying for my baby to heal, in denial that it could be anything worse than something (as the first ER doc put it) that she just had to live over as all their tests kept coming back negative. Finally she was admitted to the hospital with severe dehydration and sore throat and given IV fluids and antibiotics. As I sat there that first night watching her lie exhausted, too sick to even complain about being put in a strange bed; I was terrified. I felt like the medical community was failing me. Nothing people were doing was "fixing" my baby. I had a tiny glimpse of what parents of kids with cancer or heart defects must go through. It was the worst feeling of helplessness.

1st hospital night

 By the grace of God she turned a corner while there, the antibiotics started bringing down her fever and the IV fluids helped a bit with the lethargy. Eventually she started eating and drinking again and we were sent home after just 3 days and 2 nights.

Finally eating food again though still super swollen from the excess IV fluids. 

 

 

 

 

Last dose of  IV antibiotics and so happy to be headed home!

The first night we were home I sat there in my comfortable chair, in the familiar nursery and rocked her to sleep and held her long after I should have tried to lay her down in her crib. I remember looking at her precious face and just being overwhelmed with gratefulness that God chose to allow her to stay with us. All of my babies are precious to me and I do not play favorites but Elie is special to our whole family. She is that bright spot in the midst of our storm of loss. And the thought that God might take her from us was more than I could stand.  I still struggle now weeks after the fact. How do I raise her for Jesus when all I want is to keep her safe? May God continue to work in my heart and help me un-clinch my hands and trust Him.

Home! (Still recovering though- poor tired eyes)

Getting so much better! She lived off goldfish crackers for weeks after...