Scabs and 2 a.m. ponders.

Grief is like a big nasty scab. Imagine with me that you have fallen and skinned your knees. After the initial cut and the bleeding and pain lets up our bodies make a scab to cover and protect while the skin heals and scars. This allows us to go on with life with perhaps a bit of a limp but pretty much back to normal. It has been more than 2 months since we lost Rena and honestly life has been going for the most part back to usual with less tear filled nights and more genuine delight in watching my kids grow and mature. Not that I have forgotten Samuel and Rena but the sting of their loss has lessened and we have in a way "moved on with life".  I have gotten good at avoiding thinking about babies in general and been happily watching my "big girl" turn two and move out of her crib and start wanting to potty train.

Until tonight. Tonight I unexpectedly had that scab ripped off and ugly cried for my babies in public, with an audience of women I only slightly know. Those of you who know me well know I do not emote well in public but this grief is so heavy it was more than I could hold in for a more appropriate time.  Bless their hearts, the women surrounded me with an understanding and love that I did not expect. They tried their best to comfort me and prayed for me.  I so value the blessing of Christian women in my life right now. This pain has forced me out of my comfort zone and I have been comforted by many women of different walks of life with the common pain of losing a child.  

As I sit here tonight unable to sleep I have been thinking through all the different times I have "lost it" and had acquaintances try and comfort me in the past 5 months. I have received many "Don't worry you will get pregnant again." and even a few "At least it was an early loss." and "You already have 3 kids anyway, right?". All of these statements have come from well meaning women trying make me feel better.  From their perspective those statements should help but to a mother who has lost a child its like adding another nail to the coffin. By far the best comfort I have received has been from women who have also lost a child. They usually just say "I'm so sorry for your loss." or "Let me pray with you." They do not try and make it better. They know that only God can ease my pain.   
  

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27 

 

I am reminded again and again that Jesus gives the only lasting peace.  If instead of trying to distract myself with life and trying to forget and move on I would reach out to my Savior and ask to be daily filled with His peace how much easier would healing go? If instead of trying to hide from the pain and building that scab up so I don't feel, what if I kept it soft by reaching out to people who have been blessed with a new life growing in their womb? It is so much easier to avoid my friends who are pregnant or have a new born but what am I missing out on by me avoiding the reminder of my loss?  I am missing out on the fellowship of dear friends and the chance to minister to them as I have been blessed.