Pain and Peace

On March 20th in the middle of the night I had emergency surgery. After 3 weeks of misdiagnoses, pain, and 3 different doctors I was finally diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy. My baby was growing on my tube instead of my womb and we were devastated. At nine weeks pregnant I was wheeled into surgery and came out feeling empty, broken, and oh so angry at God. In a moment of brief clarity we named our baby Samuel because we had prayed so desperately for him, had been answered, and then had to give him back to the Lord.  The weeks following Samuel's loss were filled with confusion, pain, betrayal, and so much anger. I couldn't pray, read my Bible, or even think of Samuel without wanting to scream at God.
     
Slowly I began to heal both physically and emotionally and we were surprised with a positive pregnancy test. I felt whole again. Right before Mother's day I had a sonogram that showed the baby growing in my uterus where she should be and my blood work looked perfect. I began to dream of nursery designs and wander baby sections of stores wondering who this little one would be. We told the kids, friends, and family as we were determined to enjoy this entire pregnancy as the blessing it was and I am so glad we did. For the first time in all my pregnancies I truly felt blessed by every annoying pregnancy symptom.  I grew closer to God again and started to let go of my anger.

 I went in for a routine sonogram at nine weeks.  The tech couldn't find a heartbeat and the baby measured 2 weeks behind.  We were told that my dates must be off and to try not to worry.  They scheduled another sonogram for the next week and we were so scared. For the next 5 days all I could pray was, "God please make this baby grow.  I can't loose another. I am not strong enough."  Finally 2 days before my repeat scan I started actually praying instead of just begging.  In the wee hours of one morning I finally felt peace mixed with sadness. I let go of my desires and started trusting God and truly wanting His plan for me.  I chose to be content with whatever happened and prayed for the strength to get through it. Of course I still hoped that my baby was alive and growing and that this was as far as my test of faith was going but I was determined to trust God and hang onto the peace He had given me.  That Monday there was no change on the sonogram and still no heartbeat to be found. 

Ten days ago I had a D&C and was once again empty and broken and sad but this time there was no anger only the peace of God that passes understanding (Philippians 4:7). I feel loved by God and held. Do I understand why God took my babies to be with Him in heaven? No, but I do feel so blessed by the three children He is still loaning me to raise here on Earth. Until I lost my babies I didn't really understand how blessed I really was.

We named this baby Rena which means peaceful. I miss Samuel and Rena so much. I have two empty places in my heart that I doubt will ever be filled but I thank God that He blessed me with the short time I had with them.  I thank God for giving me Rena to bring me back to Him.  I was not strong enough to loose another baby but God proved to me that with His strength I am able to do whatever He asks (Philippians 4:13).